What PTSD Looks Like For Me
According to Mayo Clinic, Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Reportedly, there are more than 3 million cases of PTSD recorded in the US a year. Makes ya think... a lot of people are going through things that we have no idea about. Well, I'm one of these 3 million humans! Here's some of what I go through with it:
1. Seeing the same image over and over again or thinking the same thoughts repeatedly.
There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not reminded of my accident. I feel like it's something that is always on my mind and I can't find the button to make it stop. Yes, I can be distracted and put it in the back of my mind... but it's always there. Almost dying is something that really puts life in perspective. I'm so grateful to be able to be alive but for some reason my mind wants me to always remember that I almost wasn't.
2. Having weird pains, tightness and aches.
The moment I see a car accident on the side of the road, it could be a fender bender, my body starts to tingle and my heart starts to race. Do I want to see it? Do I want to think about if the person is ok? It puts the image of our car instantly in my mind and all of the weird emotions start flowing through my body. Does it last long? nah, but it happens. (If you ever ride in a car with me, please don't point it out- just know that it's happening and let me work through it.)
The moment my back starts to hurt, my head starts to throb, or I can't breathe properly ... I'm reminded. Starting to cry when I get a massage or do certain yoga poses because my body needs that release from holding in so much. Our bodies are amazing at storing emotions that we don't want to feel.
3. Panic Attacks.
You know those heart attacks that aren't really heart attacks but they sure as hell feel like it? Sweating, heart racing, suffocating. Those "I think I'm dying" thoughts that make your brain feeling like it's shaking. Thinking that it's never going to end, when it reality the more that you think that... the longer it goes on. Helllllllo my old friend. A good ole panic attack. I sure hope I don't experience you again. After years of not understanding WHAT was going on, my neurologist finally helped me put the pieces together. No, I wasn't having weekly heart attacks. It was "just" a panic attack that would pop up in the most random places. In the middle of class. While I was at a stoplight. In an elevator. Thank you Doc for helping me realize that I wasn't going to die at a young age. Therapy & a low dose of medication has helped save my sanity.
4. Planning for something bad to happen... again.
Well, the worst has already happened right? Nope. There's gotta be more. It's that cycle of thinking. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. The accident hasn't been the only life event to cause my PTSD. I have had my fair share of incidents that have gotten me to where I am today. Due to all these happenings combined, I have to consistency work on being optimistic and not getting myself into a downward spiral (you can go read my previous blog post to see how I stay on the up & up). The moment I start to think negatively is the moment that my mind starts creating the worst scenarios and I enter in to my defense mode. Defense modes aren't cute. They block human connection.. and isn't that the whole reason that we're alive? To have connections with other human beings?
Every time I hear someone say "alright, I'm headed out" after they have been drinking - I wait for the phone call telling me that they hurt someone or that they've hurt themselves. Every time I hear of an overdose. Every time I hear that I've lost someone special to me. I could go on and on. At the end of the day, those of us with PTSD all have our triggers and we all have our own ways of coping with it. My ways include yoga, gratitude lists, talking to my best friend & grandma, breathing exercises, learning about other people, and being an open human being.
xx,
Linsey
