What Being A Child Of Addiction Has Taught Me

 1. Trusting people is hard.

             Do you remember that feeling you had when you found out that Santa Claus wasn't real? Like your whole world exploded and everything that you thought you knew was a lie. You got so angry at your parents for lying to you and questioned everything for a couple of weeks, but then you moved on from it. You ended up still getting presents, celebrating together and all was forgiven. Well imagine being told by your parents (for your entire childhood) that you'd eventually be living together and functioning like a normal family. But it never happened. There weren't any holiday celebrations that consisted of mom making dinner and dad bringing out the presents. There was just a whole lot of false hope. I learned to stop expecting things from people when they said that they would do something. I second guessed people. I prepared for the worst but inside I desperately hoped for the best. Growing up, I used to give my friends "tests" to make sure that they weren't going to leave me. I'd throw fits and make them prove their loyalty to me. I was comfortable with people disappointing me, I knew how to live that way. But here I am, 28 years old & I no longer give "tests" to my friends. Unless it's to send them Buzzfeed quizzes. I have learned that people aren't out to get me. I can trust my instinct and befriend people without preparing for the worst. Do I still tread lightly? Yes. But I don't live in fear that people are always going to disappoint me anymore. I live in a world where I am surrounded by people whom I trust and it feels good. 

2. You can let it be your fate or you can defy the odds. 

            I come from a family of not just one or two, but multiple people who are addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. Trying to explain my family dynamics would take hundreds of pages so I won't begin to do so... but I will let you know that the odds were not in my favor. Thankfully, my grandmother raised me in an environment where I was surrounded by positive influences. There were two ways that I could have chosen to live - I could be angry and resentful or I could use it as fuel to add to my fire for success. If I would have chosen the first route, I more than likely would have turned to drugs and alcohol for my coping mechanism because who the hell can actually be angry all day? So, I chose the second route. I decided that I needed to embrace my family. I needed to try and understand them. I decided that I wanted to help people like them. I was going to try to figure out, "why did my parents choose drugs over me?" I was a model child, made good grades, was kind.. so why wouldn't they? It didn't make sense. Well, I wasn't going to waste time feeling sorry for myself. I was going to figure it out. 

            I was accepted into Appalachian State University through the ACCESS Scholar program. I was a first generation college student. Woohoo! I did it. I graduated and everything. Then... I decided to get a certificate in Substance Abuse Counseling. I was finally going to get my question answered and boy, I sure did. Throughout all of my life experiences I didn't hate my parents. I empathized with them. So I continued on to become a Certified Substance Abuse Counselor- I for the state of North Carolina so that I could continue to empathize and help others who were fighting this disease. 

3. Addiction is a disease.

            A person doesn't wake up one day and say, "I'm going to stick a needle in my arm." I can't imagine a person who grows up saying "I'm going to willingly lose all of my money, family and friends so that I can get high." Yes, a person makes a conscious decision to take a sip of alcohol, take a puff of a cigarette, or pop a pill... BUT we aren't in full control of how this sip or puff or pill makes us feel. I can count on one hand how many people I have met who haven't had alcohol. I can count on the other hand how many people I know who have taken one puff a cigarette and never taken another one. Good thing I don't have any more hands, because I can't think of one person who hasn't taken a pain pill (whether prescribed or not). Yes, we all have choices, but we don't have a choice in our genetic make-up. Some people can be one and done, and that's amazing! But for some, it lights a fire in their primitive brain. Boom. Your primal instinct to have this substance is lit up and your brain has tricked you into thinking you have to have it to survive. If this light switch is turned on, you have to fight every day to dim it. It will never be turned off. That is why addiction is a disease. If you have more questions about the science behind this, feel free to ask me! I can talk about this subject for days.  

4. Mental Health is super important. 

            There are so many reasons that people use alcohol or other drugs- whether it's wanting to fit in, wanting to escape your reality, numb some pain or just trying to quiet something in your mind. Drinking is a social lubricant. It can help calm anxieties that you might have before you board an airplane. It can help rid the pain when recovering from a root canal. Either way, it's altering your state of mind. The most important thing to recognize when you pick up that drug is to notice why you're doing it. If you're trying to get rid of a feeling, ask yourself if taking that drink is really going to make it go away or if it's just going to mask it until you're sober again. I remember a point in time where I just mentally and physically didn't feel right. My heart would be racing, my mind would be going all over the place and I just wanted it to stop. I knew how I felt when I drank, and it made me feel normal - but when I would wake up in the morning, the feeling was back. After a while, I finally decided to go to a doctor to address this issue. Turns out I have PTSD. Once I was diagnosed and took the proper measures to learn how to cope and manage it - I stopped binge drinking. I can regularly have a glass of wine or a craft beer and I realize how lucky I am. The whole point of this is that addressing the root issue is what is going to help in the long run. Numbing the pain or getting rid of the discomfort is only temporary. We all need to make sure that our mental health is taken care of - that is true self-care. 

This might be a controversial post due to talking about addiction and the disease model. I'm speaking my truth and I hope that everyone can respect it. If you have comments or would like discuss further - please contact me aside from this post. 

xx,

Linsey