The Pregnancy One (pt 1)
I want to start this off by saying how hard it was for me to finally sit down and write all of this down. If you could see the amount of shorthand I have written in my Notes app… you’d think I'd have written a book by now. You’re more than welcome to try and decipher it, but I think only 2 people in this world would be able to make out what I was trying to say. Anyways, I feel like I’m finally ready to start working through this journey that I have been on for the last 11 months. Pregnancy is wild.
I would like to mention that I (now) know how incredibly blessed I am for being able to get pregnant and give birth to a child. There are so many that have trouble with conceiving, carrying, and all of the other insane misfortunes that women go through with this process. I want to tell my story because I think it’s important to recognize all points of view when it comes to bearing a child and becoming a mother.
If you’re ready to go on this multi-list journey with me, let’s go.
Why I didn’t want a child
For as long as I can remember, I didn’t want to have children of my own. I have been very vocal about that in all of my romantic relationships and only seriously pursued those where we were on the same page. I can’t say that there was a myriad of reasons for why I didn’t want a child, other than I didn’t think I would have the “mothering gene.” I was raised by my non-biological grandmother and wasn’t sure if my genetics were programmed properly for being a “mom”. I knew that having a child would open the can of worms that was my childhood, and I felt content not breaking that seal. I was finally happy with the balance of healing and suppressing I was at.
”If you didn’t want a kid then why weren’t you on birth control?” Well I was for almost 20 years. I decided not to replace my IUD in January because I wanted to get accurate thyroid & hormone testing done due to some health concerns. So, I got it removed in January and found out I was pregnant in February. I don’t add this in here to brag about how “easy” it was or to make anyone feel like I’m rubbing it in their face. I add this in because I think it’s important for people to know that at the age of 32, it can still happen when you’re least expecting it. There is a lot of fear mongering out there about losing fertility as you age and I’m here to say that it really all depends on the person. I’m sure there’s research out there that provides plenty of scientific data, but what they don’t take into consideration is that every single body is incredibly unique. I have a bone to pick with science and the health profession after all of this, so I might be a little jaded about the boxes women can be put in.
Anyways, I had a weird feeling one night that something was off and so I took a test to count out the possibility of being pregnant. WELL, turns out that’s what was “off.” The test said “pregnant.” (I made sure to buy the tests that said “pregnant” or “not pregnant” on it so I wouldn’t have to search for a dull line and drive myself crazy figuring out if it was or wasn’t there.) I went to the drugstore the next morning and bought a different box of tests to make sure that the positive test was accurate & it sure as shit was. According to google, false positives are extremely rare. Just FYI. Once it was confirmed, I had an overwhelming feeling in my body… I knew that I needed to continue with the pregnancy. At this point, I wasn’t sure if I necessarily “wanted” it to be true … but I knew that I wanted to see it through. It was more of an “ok, let’s do this” feeling. I have trouble finding words for the feeling I got because I don’t want it to seem like I didn’t want this pregnancy. I didn’t not want it… gotta love a double negative… there wasn’t any jumping for joy, but I also wasn’t bawling my eyes out. I just was. It honestly felt like a type of survival mode that I entered, which I’m now recognizing was my “mom switch” being turned on. Hell yeah, this is why I love writing because I can process all of this. Wow, mind blown. I finally now have words that feel accurate to describe this state of being that took over. Mom gene was activated.
Ok... I think that’s enough for the first one back. Next up: 2. There’s so much that just doesn’t get talked about.
xx,
Linsey
