Being a People Pleaser...
Hi, I’m Linsey and I’m a people pleaser. Yep & I’m proud of it. I’m not going to try and act like I’m not… but I will say that I have gotten much better at saying no over the years.
Example A: My friend and I were at a John Mayer concert last year (such a legend). We were pretty high up in the seats, no big deal, we were just happy to be there. Apparently it was a big deal for the people behind us because they repeatedly tapped my friend on the back and asked her to sit down. WHO SITS DOWN AT A CONCERT? Anyways, we stuck to our guns and didn’t sit. Everyone in front of us was standing, so why would we inconvenience ourselves to appease a stranger? The lady was calling her names and being very nasty - which in the past would have probably made us feel bad and then we would have sat down - but instead we tuned her out and enjoyed our time. “We paid the same amount of $ for those tickets as you did lady, there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to stand.” I was very proud of us & I’m pretty sure my friend used the term “reformed people pleaser” to refer to herself from now on.
Anyways, all of my people pleasing seems to originally stem from my *childhood*. Surprise, surprise. Always wanting to impress people and constantly show others that I wasn’t like my parents… doing things just to prove that I was better than them. I always said yes. I never got into fights or arguments because they made me uncomfortable. Being an empath has also made me very sensitive to saying no because I never want to feel someone's anger or disappointment towards me. Because of this, I have definitely done things that I didn’t want to do. Getting older has helped me recognize these patterns of behavior and over the last few years, I have been really working to break these patterns. Here’s what I’ve been doing:
1. Unlearning the word “yes.”
When someone asks you to do something, or they *slyly suggest* that you should do something… give yourself time & ask yourself these questions. What are they asking of you? Is it something that you don’t mind doing? But most importantly, WHY are you saying yes? Us people pleasers don’t like to say no to someone, because we’re nervous that they are going to think negatively towards us. We need to recognize what our intention is behind every yes and behind every no. And we need to honor that intention.
Tricky example: A family member asks you to do something that could put you in a very risky situation. Mentally we’re thinking, “but they’re family.. so we do it.” At the end of the day, we all make choices. We would be cognitively making the choice to please our family by doing this, even if it put us in a bad spot. This is where boundaries come into play. Saying no to a family member can be extremely difficult - but we need to make sure that we are taking care of ourselves first.
Easy example: If I don’t want to go to a dinner out- I should be able to say no without feeling like I’m going to ruin a friendship. I should give myself grace. It’s ok not to do something. We can say no. *Say it with me….. NO*
2. Setting those boundaries.
Oh yeaaaah. Setting boundaries can be one of the hardest things to do. We all have different people that we are always trying to please and have a hard time saying no to. I have found it very rewarding to set small boundaries with those people and stick to them.
Some personal boundaries I’ve set:
I don’t respond to text messages after I’ve laid down in bed to read.
If I can’t give someone my undivided attention, I won’t pick up their phone call.
I’ve stopped giving away things if it is going to inconvenience me. *No you can’t have my last tea bag because I’m going to need it for a boost later in the day.*
If I’m having a shitty day, I will cancel plans now. *I canceled plans with a friend whom I hadn’t seen in months because I was starting to have a migraine. Normally - I would push through the pain and discomfort because I wouldn’t want the person to be mad. Thankfully she understood, because she is a great friend.*
3. Self-love.
Recognizing that I am the only person that I need to please. Now ok... it’s great when other people do things for you...but you essentially need to take care of yourself. The moment you realize that you can love you, things really change. I started to fall in love with myself after my last intense break-up. After that was when my journey to stop being a constant people pleaser happened. I stopped caring what other people thought about me and realized that I needed to be happy. I needed to be true to who I was. This was the only way that I was going to be able get out of my heartbreak and shine.
Very Honest Example: I’m telling this story because I think it will resonate with some of you. In college, I was on dating apps. I loved getting the attention and the confirmation when someone would swipe right. I remember putting myself in tricky situations because I wanted to “please” the other person by saying yes to a date or yes you can come over. (Before you start to judge - my safety was always a priority.) Did I sometimes do things that I didn’t want to do because I wanted the person to continue to like me? Yes. Should I have? No, but I didn’t want someone not to like me because of it. Now I know that that wasn’t an excuse. If I could go back in time - I would coach my younger self on how to say no. Thankfully with my job, I’m able to try and educate people on how to say no.
People pleasing is a tough business to be in. It can be a very superficial job or it can get pretty deep. There’s many different levels. But being a people pleaser isn’t always a bad thing!
Some positives:
We make people feel comfortable, accepted, wanted.
We can work on conflict resolution so that everyone can be satisfied.
We’re great listeners, thinkers and will always go the extra mile for someone.
We’re swift in emergency situations because we’re focused on making others be okay.
We genuinely want people to be happy.
So - to all of my fellow people pleasers- rejoice in your kindness! Just make sure that you are taking care of yourself by learning how to say no to things that don’t serve you, setting boundaries, and most importantly- loving yourself. Be YOUR own people pleaser too. Spread all of the love and light to yourself and to everyone around you.
xx,
Linsey
